Beware of the Drag Queen
by Rurutchan
Summary: During a shopping adventure, a dense clerk helps Havoc drive Ed insane. [EdHavoc]


Author's Note: This is my third Totally Promiscuous FMA Pairing Machine work, and I'm getting tired of typing that out. Anyway, it's EdxHavoc, PG-13, containing **gun**, **skirt**, and **money**. Please tell me if it's any good.

* * *

"I hope you burn in hell."

Edward's golden eyes narrowed as he glared at Havoc. The lieutenant wore a ridiculously wide grin as he held out a white, ruffled skirt covered in multicolored polka dots.

"Come on, kid," Havoc teased. "If you bring this up to the clerk and tell her, 'Put this on the Fullmetal Alchemist's tab,' I promise I won't tell Mustang about—"

"Shut your mouth!" Ed interrupted frantically.

A man and a young girl walked by, both of whom glanced curiously at the skirt.

"Would you put that back on its rack?" the elder Elric hissed, embarrassed.

"Speaking of racks…" Havoc's gaze slid to a nearby woman's chest. She was too busy examining sweaters to notice him.

"You're a freaking _pervert_." Ed snatched the piece of feminine clothing from Havoc's hands and turned to put it back on its hanger, but someone suddenly called, "Excuse me!"

"Uh… yes?" Havoc said as a teenaged boy approached. A nametag that read _Lyle_ was pinned to his shirt.

"Are you looking for lower-priced skirts?" Lyle asked Ed earnestly, somehow oblivious to the alchemist's dismay. "If you follow me, sir, I can show you a nice selection that's on sale."

"N-no!" Ed cried, incredulous. "I don't want any skirts. Th-this—"

"Mr. Lyle, we would appreciate that," Havoc said quickly. "You see, he's _coming out of the closet_, if you know what I mean, and I'm trying to make him comfortable with his sexuality…"

_Thud_. Lyle jumped backward as Ed's left fist crashed into Havoc's jaw, tearing a yelp from the lieutenant's throat.

"It's alright, sir," the worker insisted. "You don't have to be shy. Come with me. Uh, and please try not to be so violent. My manager may kick you out."

Rubbing his jaw, Havoc grabbed Ed's wrist and dragged him after Lyle.

"_Idiot!_" Ed shrieked, thrashing his arms. "You stupid bastard! I'm not a goddamned _drag queen!_ If you don't let go of me in two seconds, I'm going to gauge your frickin' eyes out and jam your cigarettes into their sockets! And while you're screaming and begging for mercy, I'll call Mustang and tell him all about your little encounter with Hawkeye!"

By the time Ed's hysterical rant was finished, they had reached a new department; Ed's attempts to escape had failed, and Havoc managed to reassure Lyle that "the kid will calm down in a few minutes."

"Here… These outfits all cost nearly twenty percent less than the last. And if you buy three of these bags, you'll get another for free," Lyle informed them, switching back into his milk-the-customers mode.

"That's wonderful." Havoc clutched the skirt that he had carried with him to his chest. "And how about the skirts you mentioned…?"

"We don't want anything!" Ed snapped firmly. "We don't need anything from the _women's department!_ I'm leaving!"

"I'd like to purchase this for him," came Havoc's excited voice. Furious, Ed turned and saw a beige skirt with a wide slit in the side.

"I'll take you to the counter—"

"Here's money. Keep the change!" Havoc thrust a wad of bills into the hands of a very startled Lyle and grabbed the hood of Ed's jacket.

"Hey, wait! You can't just—" Lyle stared dumbly at the money.

"Thanks. See ya!"

Havoc hauled his enraged friend out of the department by his hood, clothing in hand, as quickly as they had entered. In less than one minute, they were outside of the store, taking deep breaths of fresh air.

"Asshole! What the hell is your problem?" Ed demanded. His face was clearly a deep shade of red. "Do you want everyone to think that I'm some _transvestite_? Do you just enjoy humiliating me on a daily basis?"

Havoc's blue eyes flashed. Ed was barely able to register what had happened by the time he felt a mouth press against his.

The kiss was short and neat, and Ed did not resist. It left him stunned and wide-eyed, and by the time that Havoc stated cheerfully, "Well, that was a fun shopping experience," Ed's cheeks were absolutely flaming.

"Y-you— did you just—?"

"Don't tell anyone," Havoc laughed, scanning their surroundings to make sure that civilians were not staring. "No one saw."

Ed managed to regain a fraction of his composure and stammer, "I-I can tell everyone at Central, and you'll be considered a pedophile."

Havoc's lips curved into a calm smile. "You wouldn't. I could just tell Roy about that day you told me that 'he has a nice body.'"

Ed twitched. "I didn't mean anything by it. Besides, I could still tell Riza that you keep a picture of her in your—"

"Lieutenant Hawkeye!"

"Huh?"

Ed's immediate assumption was that he had been corrected and scolded for his informality. However, by the nervous expression that had seized the man's features, Ed realized that something behind him had caught Havoc's attention.

"What's going on?" asked a feminine, yet venomous voice. Ed spun around to see Hawkeye, who held a gun in her hand that glistened in the sunlight.

"Nothing!" they responded simultaneously.

"When you told Colonel Mustang and me that you planned to take Edward out for some relaxation time, I didn't think this is what you meant," she said to Havoc.

"Sorry. Were you looking for us?"

"Yes. Hughes would like to see Ed for a while back at Headquarters."

"Oh, one moment," Havoc muttered. He transferred the beige skirt to a confused Hawkeye and said, "This is for you."

Ed blinked as Hawkeye studied the skirt. She finally said, "Uh— well, thank you, Lieutenant."

"No problem."

"Alright… Let's get in the car."

Hawkeye led the way to the borrowed vehicle in which she had arrived, but Havoc and Ed lagged behind. Ed waited for the right moment to ask quietly, "Hey, what's with you? And what are you going to do with the other skirt?"

"Hm?" Havoc appeared to be innocent and genial. "That depends. I'm hoping that I'll get to see it on you later toni—"

This time, Ed's auto-mail fist was sent flying. Hawkeye merely glanced over her shoulder when Havoc released a pitiful moan.


End file.
